Honey-do

Give Miss Saccharine credit: she is an optimist at heart. We've been married just over 17 years, and she continues to believe I possess actual home repair skills. It's been quipped that second marriages are the triumph of optimism over experience; the Wheelhead Correlary to that maxim states that Miss Saccharine will still insist on a new honey-do list every weekend, irrespective of how many previous projects remain unfinished.

Here's the running list of unfinished projects going on right now, along with some of the 20-odd projects waiting in the wings to get started and not completed. These are in no particular order.

1. Family room ceiling. Within a few months of moving into the house, an upstairs toilet overflowed and about 8 ounces of water got through the floor and into the space above the family room ceiling. One of the seams started to bulge, so I lanced it and drained the water. We have a short stretch of the ceiling that needs to be re-taped and painted.

2. Painting the kitchen. MS loves colors and hates bare white walls. She decided the kitchen had to be a beautiful country blue/periwinkle, which is has been for about five years...well, all except the top edge all the way around...and around the door out to the garage...and that spot between the stove and the microwave. Edges are not my thing--no patience.

3. The kitchen floor. MS hated the old linoleum in the kitchen and wanted a wood floor. We didn't have the money for hardwood, so we got laminate. At the advice of her uncle, I attempted to fill all the seams with waterproof stuff, which only made the job of snapping all the pieces together that much more difficult. It took about four months from the time I tore up the two old layers of linoleum until the main part of the floor was done. Still need to do something about the edges and the baseboards. It's only been 18 months--don't rush me!

4. The powder room floor, cabinet, and sink. The powder room is part of the "kitchen wing" of the house, so it's flooring came up when the kitchen's did. It's been two years of exposed plywood. In the meantime, I fixed the corroded flapper in the toilet tank, which gave me just enough exposure to the problems associated with toilet work to make me wary of the next phase of the project: cutting the linoleum to the right size and fitting it around the pipe for the toilet. One of the kids broke one of the doors on the cabinet in that bathroom years ago, so that needs to be replaced (it looks terrible, in addition to the broken door), and while we're at it, we might as well replace the original sink, which is showing its age. In short, it's essentially a makeover for the powder room. Can't it wait until the kitchen floor is done?

5. The family room floor. When we moved in, there were a couple of floor boards that appeared to be cracked. They are now full-on broken, and the only reason no one has fallen through is the sturdy carpet over the breaks, and the fact that the breaks are in extremely low-traffic areas. All I have to do is pull up the carpet, take out an entire 4'x8' plywood sheet that has been professionally installed, and replace it myself... We're planning on replacing the carpet in that room anyway--it's filthy. I'm figuring that at some point between now and the time I purchase the replacement plywood, Miss Saccharine is going to decide that laying carpet looks easy enough, and that I ought to to the job in the family room.

6. The slider from the family room to the back yard. Okay, this is one that Miss Saccharine has pretty much admitted would be better done by a professional. The wheels on which the slider rolls are broken, so the door slides, rather than rolls open. It's a pain. For several months, Miss Saccharine was sure I could take care of installing it myself. I just needed Home Depot to deliver it, and we had to find a door the right size.

7. The Sunray play structure. We bought one from Costco this year. We need to level a good-sized spot in the back yard (which has a nice gentle, uneven slope in the only part of the yard large enough for the structure) so that we can move the half-constructed beast to it's place of final disposition and attach all the junk that will make it fun to play on. Considering how much fun I had leveling an even bigger place for the 10'x14' shed three years ago, I'm not exactly rarin' to go on that sub-project. Charlie helped me get through the first 11 steps of construction back in July...and we haven't touched it since his birthday party.

8. The garage facade. When we had a home inspection done a few months ago for insurance purposes, the inspector informed us that we needed to take care of a couple of small rotted areas around the garage door. Miss Saccharine decided that as long as I was going to fix that (which I mostly have), then I should scrape, sand, and paint the entire front of the garage.

Waiting in the wings: 1) attack the crabgrass that is overtaking the entire front lawn (and making gains in the back); 2) paint the fence and gates that enclose the back yard; 3) repairing the fence with the neighbors to the south; 4) plant trees on the west side of the house; 5) expand the garden; 6) replace some of the original windows that are contributing to our crazy high electrical bills; 7) empty the basement so I can 8) finish the basement; 9) eradicate the thistles on the south side of the house and in the back yard; and 10) put in a hardwood floor in Bravo's bedroom so his allergies aren't so bad (which I think is going to lead to 11) repaint all the bedrooms).

Mind you, most of these are actually fairly simple jobs and would take the average reader of this post about 30 minutes to complete. But you, dear reader, are not a slow-witted, easily intimidated, see-all-the-problems-that-could-arise wheelhead. And I am

My few successes: repairing not one but two leaking toilets due to corroded tank flappers last summer, installing a new dishwasher about three years ago, installing a new faucet in the kitchen sink (same time as the dishwasher), and putting up the shed in the back yard (with a lot of help from very experienced people). Toss in a smattering of easy successes (installing new knobs on two of the bathroom sinks, a new toilet flusher handle, installing a couple of dimmer switches), and somehow I have become Bob Vila in Miss Saccharine's eyes. I suppose that compared to her life experience before we were married, that constitutes extreme competence in the home improvement arts. For my part, I wish she would take a page from Gramsey's book and learn to say, "Just write the check, wheelhead." At least then I would just feel bad about the trips we don't take because of the new slider.

Low and Slow

I have been stringing BMG Music Service along for over two years. My latest foray into the world of the record/cassette/CD music club came when I tried to get a free iPod Mini--all I had to do was fulfill the commitments of something like 83 credit card, music club, magazine subscription, diet pill, and the like offers. BMG was #3 or 4. The advantage of BMG over Columbia House is that they actually let you out of the arrangement without too much damage. All you have to buy is one more regularly priced album over two years, and you walk away with your 9 free CDs (all you pay is the exorbitant S&H charge for each "free" CD). Anyway, I don't think I had made my one purchase--or maybe I did last year--when my monthly offer came in the e-mail: The Legend of Johnny Cash, volumes 1&2.


Now, I grew up in Pop's household, so I am familiar with country music and the artists of the 70s, but I am no great fan. At least I wasn't until Miss Saccharine and I moved from Utah to West Virginia right at the beginning of the latest nationwide resurgence of country music popularity. Then, because MS started listening to it all the time, I started to get into it. Although I still have never been a great fan, I can at least appreciate good country music. I elected not to pass up this monthly selection, largely on the basis of reviews I've read since Johnny's death.


With that background, you would think that I knew something about Johnny Cash. I knew the name of some of his songs (Boy Named Sue, Ring of Fire, and The Ballad of Ira Hayes to name three) and could put a name to his face (and vice versa). However, I couldn't identify a Cash song by the pickup alone--once the singing started, that was another story. Well, my two CDs arrived in the mail the weekend before the trip to Idlewild, and I have listened to no other music since (except for the CDs my boys have picked out during the Pennsyltucky trip). They are fantastic!


I pose a question at this point. Is there another Johnny Cash album I need to experience? I plan on getting My Mother's Hymn Book before too much longer--any other suggestions?

The Wheelheads visit the #2 amusement park for families

I am a sucker for good commercials. Several years ago, Holiday Inn came up with the Holiday Inn Express concept and--before the "I'm not a doctor, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night," ad campaign--they were pimping their fantastic (and free!) continental breakfast. The all-time best commercial they had was for the cinnamon rolls: a young woman with an expression of concern and some anxiety, carries a plate of warm cinnamon rolls in slow motion; in the background, three-piece-suited business travelers are cheering wildly, jumping around, chest bumping and so forth; a voice-over (shades of NFL Films arctic tundra of Lambeau Field) tells about the new day in business travel; the woman puts the cinnamon rolls down and turns to walk away with a look that says, "Who are these freaks?" as the business travelers jostle for position to get the first cinnamon roll. I'm not even coming close to doing the spot justice, but it is one of my all-time favorites. Whenever I have traveled for the last five years and had to pay lodging on my own (most of my travel is business-related, so the employer picks up Embassy Suites--yeah, baby!) I have stayed at HIE, specifically to have the cinnamon rolls, which, all things considered, are pretty good.

Anyway, I traveled this weekend on my own dime, taking Bravo, Charlie, Delta, and Echo to "Pennsyltucky" for a day at Idlewild. What's that, you say? You've never heard of the world's #2 best amusement park for families, as rated by a survey of Leisure magazine (or some such)? Well, it has been one of our family's favorite places for a number of years. With the summer winding down and nothing in the way of family togetherness fun accomplished, we decided to trek three hours up the road to scenic Ligonier, PA. I drove the four kids up on Thursday evening after work, stayed at HIE and filled up on cinnamon rolls, then went to Idlewild for the day, meeting Miss Saccharine's parents as the gates opened, and then met up with Miss Saccharine herself once she drove up from the DC area. It was the first time for Delta and Echo, both of whom had a great time.

Anyway, Idlewild is a very old amusement park about 45 miles southeast of Pittsburgh in the middle of the Western Pennsylvania forest. It's about 10 miles from Latrobe (home of Rolling Rock Beer, if I'm not mistaken), the hometown of Fred Rogers, of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood fame (this is significant--wait for it). Originally built in 1878 as a picnic and water recreation (read: rowboating) area, it began to take on the features of an amusement park in 1931. The carousel installed that year is still operational (Delta and Echo rode it about 10 times). The park has expanded over the years and now includes a water park (it has doubled in size since the last time we were there about five or six years ago), Storybook forest (a hokey walk in the woods with lots of nursery rhymes come to life--the little kids love it, the big kids roll their eyes in exasperated boredom--and a lot of your basic amusement park/carnival attractions. They added a short log ride recently (it's no Matterhorn, but it does get you wet...if the weight distribution is right) and have some of the best customer service around. The place was pretty packed on Friday, but even with all the people everywhere (it was the most crowded I have ever seen it in my five or six trips there), the longest wait any of us dealt with was about 30 minutes.

The downsides: 1) this is not the place you want to go if your idea of a great day at the amusement park is riding 20 different roller coasters; 2) the food is ok; 3) the price is a little steep for a place that only has two roller coasters; 4) I didn't call this part of the country Pennsyltucky for nothing. If another of your ideas of a good time is seeing a lot of fleshy people with tattoos and bad teeth, Idelwild is the place for you. Try to go on a hot day so the fleshy tattooed people will be exposing even more of their fleshiness.


I'm about to get doused (again) at Soak Zone. Note the tattoo on the shoulder of woman to the left. I'm sure there were at least 10 more tattoos on the people in this picture--perhaps even the children. That's me with the farmer-tan-and-middle-age-paunch-hiding t-shirt, male-pattern-baldness-protecting cap, and sunglasses.

OK, I've painted a rather unpleasant picture with that last paragraph. In reality, there is a lot to like about Idlewild. It is a beautiful setting. There's lots of shade (my main memories of going to Disneyland as a kid and Great America as a teenager are of large open expanses of asphalt with the hot California summer sun beating down on you relentlessly all day long). The water park area (Soak Zone) is great. The kiddie ride section is very nice. They regularly have additional attractions booked for long stretches of the summer that are included in your price of admission--the last time we went, there was a Russian circus/acrobatics group that was fantastic. Most times the crowds are reasonable. The price is, relatively speaking, quite a deal, and you can get discount tickets pretty easily. And best of all, you can visit the land of make-believe in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

No joke on that last one. In the late 1980s, the park approached Fred Rogers about sponsoring an attraction for younger kids. He went them one better and proposed putting in the land of make-believe. It's now one of the most popular attractions in the park. You ride on the trolley, go through the tunnel, and visit all the characters--X the Owl, Henrietta Pussycat, Cornflake Especially, the Platypus family, King Friday XIII, Daniel Striped Tiger, and Lady Elaine. It's corny, yes, but really fun to take your kids on.


Daniel Striped Tiger in his clock, as seen from the Trolley in the Land of Make-Believe. We invited him and all the neighbors to King Friday's Hug and Song Party at the castle.

Wheelhead rating: three-and-a-half wheels out of four. If they could do something about the unsightly tattoos, the unsightly tattooed, and smoking (forot about that--there's lots of it in western PA), it would get four wheels. All the downsides aside, it really is a great place to take your kids. Check it out at www.idlewild.com--one of these days I will learn to do html tagging. Until then, copy and paste that URL for more information.

Almost forgot, Holiday Inn Express is on US Route 30 in Greensboro (Greensburgh? Greensville?) about 12 miles west of Idlewild, which is also right on Highway 30. Take the PA Turnpike to Exit 92, then take Highway 119 north to Highway 30 east. It's about four miles to HIE. And the cinnamon rolls are just as good there as at every other HIE I've stayed at over the last couple of years. Only downside is that the business center charges you for internet access--the first time I've run across that.