Honey-do

Give Miss Saccharine credit: she is an optimist at heart. We've been married just over 17 years, and she continues to believe I possess actual home repair skills. It's been quipped that second marriages are the triumph of optimism over experience; the Wheelhead Correlary to that maxim states that Miss Saccharine will still insist on a new honey-do list every weekend, irrespective of how many previous projects remain unfinished.

Here's the running list of unfinished projects going on right now, along with some of the 20-odd projects waiting in the wings to get started and not completed. These are in no particular order.

1. Family room ceiling. Within a few months of moving into the house, an upstairs toilet overflowed and about 8 ounces of water got through the floor and into the space above the family room ceiling. One of the seams started to bulge, so I lanced it and drained the water. We have a short stretch of the ceiling that needs to be re-taped and painted.

2. Painting the kitchen. MS loves colors and hates bare white walls. She decided the kitchen had to be a beautiful country blue/periwinkle, which is has been for about five years...well, all except the top edge all the way around...and around the door out to the garage...and that spot between the stove and the microwave. Edges are not my thing--no patience.

3. The kitchen floor. MS hated the old linoleum in the kitchen and wanted a wood floor. We didn't have the money for hardwood, so we got laminate. At the advice of her uncle, I attempted to fill all the seams with waterproof stuff, which only made the job of snapping all the pieces together that much more difficult. It took about four months from the time I tore up the two old layers of linoleum until the main part of the floor was done. Still need to do something about the edges and the baseboards. It's only been 18 months--don't rush me!

4. The powder room floor, cabinet, and sink. The powder room is part of the "kitchen wing" of the house, so it's flooring came up when the kitchen's did. It's been two years of exposed plywood. In the meantime, I fixed the corroded flapper in the toilet tank, which gave me just enough exposure to the problems associated with toilet work to make me wary of the next phase of the project: cutting the linoleum to the right size and fitting it around the pipe for the toilet. One of the kids broke one of the doors on the cabinet in that bathroom years ago, so that needs to be replaced (it looks terrible, in addition to the broken door), and while we're at it, we might as well replace the original sink, which is showing its age. In short, it's essentially a makeover for the powder room. Can't it wait until the kitchen floor is done?

5. The family room floor. When we moved in, there were a couple of floor boards that appeared to be cracked. They are now full-on broken, and the only reason no one has fallen through is the sturdy carpet over the breaks, and the fact that the breaks are in extremely low-traffic areas. All I have to do is pull up the carpet, take out an entire 4'x8' plywood sheet that has been professionally installed, and replace it myself... We're planning on replacing the carpet in that room anyway--it's filthy. I'm figuring that at some point between now and the time I purchase the replacement plywood, Miss Saccharine is going to decide that laying carpet looks easy enough, and that I ought to to the job in the family room.

6. The slider from the family room to the back yard. Okay, this is one that Miss Saccharine has pretty much admitted would be better done by a professional. The wheels on which the slider rolls are broken, so the door slides, rather than rolls open. It's a pain. For several months, Miss Saccharine was sure I could take care of installing it myself. I just needed Home Depot to deliver it, and we had to find a door the right size.

7. The Sunray play structure. We bought one from Costco this year. We need to level a good-sized spot in the back yard (which has a nice gentle, uneven slope in the only part of the yard large enough for the structure) so that we can move the half-constructed beast to it's place of final disposition and attach all the junk that will make it fun to play on. Considering how much fun I had leveling an even bigger place for the 10'x14' shed three years ago, I'm not exactly rarin' to go on that sub-project. Charlie helped me get through the first 11 steps of construction back in July...and we haven't touched it since his birthday party.

8. The garage facade. When we had a home inspection done a few months ago for insurance purposes, the inspector informed us that we needed to take care of a couple of small rotted areas around the garage door. Miss Saccharine decided that as long as I was going to fix that (which I mostly have), then I should scrape, sand, and paint the entire front of the garage.

Waiting in the wings: 1) attack the crabgrass that is overtaking the entire front lawn (and making gains in the back); 2) paint the fence and gates that enclose the back yard; 3) repairing the fence with the neighbors to the south; 4) plant trees on the west side of the house; 5) expand the garden; 6) replace some of the original windows that are contributing to our crazy high electrical bills; 7) empty the basement so I can 8) finish the basement; 9) eradicate the thistles on the south side of the house and in the back yard; and 10) put in a hardwood floor in Bravo's bedroom so his allergies aren't so bad (which I think is going to lead to 11) repaint all the bedrooms).

Mind you, most of these are actually fairly simple jobs and would take the average reader of this post about 30 minutes to complete. But you, dear reader, are not a slow-witted, easily intimidated, see-all-the-problems-that-could-arise wheelhead. And I am

My few successes: repairing not one but two leaking toilets due to corroded tank flappers last summer, installing a new dishwasher about three years ago, installing a new faucet in the kitchen sink (same time as the dishwasher), and putting up the shed in the back yard (with a lot of help from very experienced people). Toss in a smattering of easy successes (installing new knobs on two of the bathroom sinks, a new toilet flusher handle, installing a couple of dimmer switches), and somehow I have become Bob Vila in Miss Saccharine's eyes. I suppose that compared to her life experience before we were married, that constitutes extreme competence in the home improvement arts. For my part, I wish she would take a page from Gramsey's book and learn to say, "Just write the check, wheelhead." At least then I would just feel bad about the trips we don't take because of the new slider.